Lessons from Adler-Kishimi Psychology

The lessons highlighted in this article are derived from the book The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Kishimi is a philosopher who has studied Adlerian psychology for a long time. As a teenager he took interest in Greek philosophy. His inclination towards Adlerian psychology developed when he found that Alfred Alder, one of the pioneers of individual psychology, derived most of his principles from Greek philosophy as well, particularly from Socrates and Plato.

Adlerian psychology is a vast topic, and Kishimi has touched upon several principles in his book. In this article, I have summarized the principles that resonated with me the most.

1. You Are Who You Choose to Be

We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to our past experiences. Adler said “No experience is in itself a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences, but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.” For example, if you are unhappy today, it is not because you were born into unhappy circumstances or ended up in an unhappy situation. It’s that you judged “being unhappy” to be good for you to achieve a certain goal.

Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live. You can change at any time, regardless of the environments you are in. You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to because change is hard, change is uncomfortable.

2. People Fabricate Anger

People fabricate anger to achieve a goal. For example, let’s say your child is misbehaving. She is being stubborn and throwing tantrums. A common reaction to this behavior is to yell at the child in anger. This is because by yelling you want the child to submit to you and listen to what you have to say. As a means to do that, you fabricated the emotion of anger.

3. All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

If all interpersonal relationships were gone from the world, if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.

But this is too much of an idealistic view. So, here’s an example. If a person’s height (it can be education, money, race, or other aspects of physical appearance such as skin color, hair, or perceived notion of beauty) is shorter than the average height of people of the same gender, race and social circle, one might feel inferior.

The feeling of inferiority here is subjective, it arose through the person comparing oneself to others. If there isn’t anyone with whom this person could compare oneself, one wouldn’t have any occasion to think one is short. What this person is feeling is not an objective inferiority but a subjective feeling of inferiority. This is because the value of anyone or anything is always based on a social context.

4. Feeling of Inferiority is Not the Same as Inferiority Complex

Feeling of inferiority is the feeling that one has no worth, or that one is worth only so much. There is nothing particularly wrong with the feeling of inferiority. It can be trigger for striving and growth.

Inferiority complex, on the other hand, is an abnormal mental state made up of a complicated group of emotions and ideas that has nothing to do with the feeling of inferiority. It is a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as an excuse.

Example of feeling of inferiority: I’m not well educated, so I’ll have to try harder than anyone else.

Example of inferiority complex: I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed.

5. Superiority Complex is a Compensation Mechanism

When one is suffering from strong feelings of inferiority and doesn’t have the courage to compensate through healthy modes of striving and growth, one might look for an easier way out. The easier way is to act as if one is indeed superior and to indulge in a fabricated feeling of superiority. For example, one makes a show of being on good terms with powerful people, or excessive allegiance to particular brands of clothing, cars, or size of the house.

Those who boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves and are doing so only out of an inferiority complex. If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn’t feel the need to boast. It is because one’s inferiority complex is strong that one boasts. One feels the need to flaunt one’s superiority all the more.

6. Life is Not a Competition

A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self. It is enough to just keep moving in a forward direction, without competing with anyone.

When one is conscious of competition and victory and defeat, it is inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise. The most terrifying thing about competition is that even if you’re not a loser, even if you’re someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who placed yourself in competition, you will never have a moment’s peace.

Do not think about gaining status or honor. Withdraw from places that are preoccupied with winning and losing.

7. Deny the Desire for Recognition

When one seeks recognition from others and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives. Wishing hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people. You’ll end up throwing away who you truly are and live other people’s lives.

The desire for recognition is due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education system. If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment.

8. Discard Other People’s Tasks

All interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Whenever faced with an interpersonal relationship problem, one should ask “Whose task is this?”. Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one’s own tasks go, and from what point they become another person’s tasks. Do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks.

9. Freedom is Being Disliked by Other People

Conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. Don’t be afraid to be disliked. If one is disliked by someone, it is proof that one is exercising one’s freedom and living in freedom. It is a sign that one is living in accordance with one’s own principles.

Freedom is the courage to be disliked.

10. All Relationships Should be Horizontal

Human beings are all equal, but not the same. Treating others as equals form horizontal relationships. Whether it is the relationship between a boss and an employee, a husband and a wife, or a parent and a child - everyone should be treated equally. They are not the same because their roles in the relationship are different, but they are equals.

For example in a parent-child relationship, instead of treating the child as an adult, or like a child, one must treat them like a human being. One interacts with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself.

A relationship is vertical when one considers others as beneath or above oneself. Vertical relationships are predominant in married couples all over the world. This is because some (probably a lot of) men have intense, hidden feelings of inferiority.

Horizontal relationships is what Naval Ravikanth refers to as treating everyone as peers. Similar concepts have also been mentioned several times in religious texts.

11. One’s Worth is in One’s Being

The true sense of one’s worth comes from being beneficial to the community. It is when one realizes that one can make contributions to others. Being able to contribute to the society makes one feel worthy. That is the most common way of finding self-worth.

Does that mean people who do not contribute to the society such the bedridden older adults, the physically or mentally disabled, and infants have no worth? Not really. Measuring worthiness in terms of what one does is basically measuring them on the “level of act” but not on the “level of being”.

For example, if you get into a serious car accident would your family be glad if you make it? You might not be able to do anything in your critical condition that could be considered as an act, but just by being alive you would be supporting the psychological state of you and your family, and would therefore be of use.

12. Practice Self Acceptance

One cannot change what one is born with. But one can, under one’s own power, go about changing what use one makes of that equipment. One should focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot. We do not lack ability. We just lack courage.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” - Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut.

Similar concepts have been discussed in Christian and Hindu societies for ages.

13. The Essence of Work is a Contribution to the Common Good

We are truly aware of our own worth only when we feel that our existence and behavior are beneficial to the community, when one feels “I am of use to someone”. Work may include working for an employer, working on your business, or taking care of the household.

Labor is not just a means of earning money. It is through labor that one makes contributions to others and even comes to accept one’s existential worth.

It is also why charitable activities are common among wealthy individuals.

14. Workaholism is a Life-Lie

Busyness has become a status symbol in modern society. People who claim to be workaholics are simply trying to avoid other responsibilities by using work as an excuse.

“Work” is not restricted to only employment. Household chores, childcare, friendships, community services, hobbies are all work. Employment is just one small part of that.

A way of living that acknowledges only employment is one that is lacking in harmony of life.

15. Happiness is the Feeling of Contribution

For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is the inability to like oneself. The feeling of “I am beneficial to the community” or “I am of use to someone” is the only thing that can give one a true awareness that one has worth.

However, it doesn’t matter if the contribution one makes is without any visible form. It is enough to have the subjective sense of being of use to someone or the feeling of contribution. Happiness is the feeling of contribution.

If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others. Because one will already have the real awareness that “I am of use to someone”, without needing to go out of one’s way to be acknowledged by others.

16. Live Like You’re Dancing

With dancing, it is the dancing itself that is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it. It may happen that one arrives somewhere as a result of having danced. Since one is dancing, one does not stay in the same place. But there is no destination.

Similarly, life is a series of moments. It is the journey that matters, not the destination. The process itself is the outcome.

17. The Meaning of Life is Whatever One Assigns to it

Life in general has no meaning. Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual. No one else can do it for you. You are the only one who can assign meaning to your life.

18. Life’s North Star

Treat the feeling of “I contribute to others” as your life’s North Star. No matter how you live your life, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the North Star of “I contribute to others”, you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like. Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay no attention to it and live freely.